Recently, I bought an International Delight Creamer to ‘delight’ my cup of coffee in the morning but what I got was a bit of a surprise. And not in a good way. It was so disturbing that I had to have a sit down, heart to heart with the deceptively named ‘Pumpkin Pie Spice Creamer’ and get an explanation as to why it’s real flavor is Bitter Piss.
ME: Ah, PSP, nice to see you. Come in and have a seat.
PSP: So ah, you wanted to see me?
ME: Yes, that’s correct. I just have a few things I want to discuss with you at the moment.
PSP: What exactly is this concerning? Is my new easy flip spout not as easy as I claimed? Was I overpriced? Because you know, I have absolutely no control over the pricing, and besides, I’m a large which is worth every penny, I mean paying a little extra dough for more fla….
ME: No, no no, it has nothing to do with your price. In fact, I’ll tell you the truth, I hardly look at the price sometimes just so I can soil myself in public when the cashier tells me how much money I’ve wasted. I enjoy the attention. ELLL OH ELLL!!
PSP: Are you serious?
ME: Ah so we’re not a fan of pointless sarcasm. Duly noted. No. I’m not serious. I’m a price checking, bargain hunting machine – however, it is not your price that I wanted to talk to you about.
PSP: … so .. ah, what is it then?
ME: I want to know why you’re called Pumpkin Pie Spice.
PSP: What? I mean …I don’t get the question…
ME: It’s not a hard question but just in case you’re hard of hearing, I wanted to know: WHY? ARE? YOU? CALLED? PUMPKIN? PIE? SPICE?
PSP: I don’t… well, I’m called that because that’s what I am.
ME: Well see this is where I beg.. no, I PLEAD!!! I PLEAD TO DIFFER!!
PSP: I don’t understand, is this discussion about you not liking how I taste?
ME: Oh it’s more than that…
PSP: I can’t possibly think of anything else besides that, that would require a meeting, let alone yelling at me so loudly and so close. You totally spit on me man.
ME: It’s not that I didn’t like how you tasted…
PSP: It’s the easy spout then isn’t it? I know I spilled a little but to be fair, you were half a sleep when you poured me into your coffee, so technicall..
ME: DAMN IT! WOULD YOU SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR SPOUT!
PSP: No seriously, back up when you yell, I’m getting soaked over here.
ME: This is about how much I SO didn’t like how you tasted.
PSP: Wait. What?
ME: Let’s discuss your first name… PUMPKIN.
PSP: Yeah, pumpkin, like the orange things that kids cut up on Halloween? Pumpkin seeds? Pumpkin PIE. Pumpkin. The fruit.
ME: Um, no pumpkin is a vegetable.
PSP: seeds equal fruit.
ME: YOU equals tastes like shit. So let’s just stop talking about pumpkin because you don’t taste anything even remotely close to a pumpkin.
PSP: What are you talking about?
ME: I’m talking about the morning I opened you for the first time and you decided to shit all over my coffee and subsequently shit on my whole day.
PSP: Oh come on! You’re overreacting! I can’t be that bad. I’m with INTERNATIONAL DELIGHTS. INTERNATIONAL.. which means I’m from another country and that makes it automatically better. You know, kind of like when you meet a guy and he’s all dopey looking with a skinny neck and no chin but then he opens his mouth and has an English accent and all of a sudden, he’s ‘quirky’ and ‘unconventionally’ handsome?
ME: If ‘quirky’ and ‘unconventional’ meant watered down bong water, then yes, yes, you are most definitely quirky and unconventional. And if being ‘international’ meant sitting next to a rancid Frenchman wearing a Rayon shirt on a 10 hour plane ride where his smell permeates your eyeballs and you can literally taste his body odor in the air each time you take a breath. Then YES, you are international as well.
PSP: (large sigh) So I suck.
ME: Are you listening to me but at all!? ‘Suck’ is a hand held vacuum cleaner compared to your black hole gravitational pull of suck. This is how bad you are. Are you clear on where you stand?
PSP: If you don’t like me then don’t use me..
ME: I haven’t! Why would I do that to my mouth again? Why? Do I look crazy to you?!?
PSP: Well you are having a long, drawn out discussion with your creamer..
ME: Shut up.
PSP: What is your point I guess is what I’m getting at. You don’t like me, that’s loud and clear but how was I supposed to know this aside from the fact that you’ve only used me once, I’m still in the fridge and it’s not like I’m hidden in the back with two week old meatloaf.
ME: Ooo is that what’s in the foil?
PSP: Yeah. And you should really throw it out, it’s starting to growl. But besides that, I’m very prominent in the fridge, front of the shelf on the door, as if someone wants me on hand just in case they want creamer with their coffee. I had no clue you didn’t like me.
ME: (completely ignoring that piece of shit creamer) Now that we’ve established that you aren’t of the pumpkin variety, let’s talk about you second name: PIE.
PSP: I get it, I get it, I don’t taste like pie.
ME: Oh you taste like pie, only it’s the cow kind.
ME: And finally, your last name: SPICE.
PSP: Yeah. Spice. What about it?
ME: Now, did this ‘spice’ happen to come from a fancy thing called an urn? Because your ‘spice’ tasted very similar to the ashes of a dead man’s rotting foot.
PSP: I GET IT.
ME: So you actually believe you taste like Pumpkin Pie Spice?
PSP: I don’t taste myself, I just get named and that’s what I am but apparently, to you, I’m a large carafe of a stinky, travel worn Frenchman – just throw me away then!
ME: Oh I am throwing you away! I just wanted you to know how much you ruined that orgasmic and delightfully warm embrace that is the first sip of coffee. You violated my tongue and you took away my warm embrace.
PSP: I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention.
ME: Okay. Well, I’m throwing you away anyway.
PSP: That’s fine. I totally understand.
ME: Even though you’re mostly full and I did pay almost five dollars for you.
PSP: Yeah, that is a big waste, what with the economy being as bad as it is, five dollars is nothing to throw away so flippantly.
ME: I see what you’re doing.
PSP: What? I watch the news.
I ended up keeping the coffee cream abomination in my fridge because the thrifty, third world girl in me just can’t bring myself to throw away something that’s barely been used. I realize it’s going to go into the trash anyways since I know for a fact I’m not going to try it again. But for now it sits snugly inside my fridge, where the only light of day it’s going to see is if some unwanted and unexpected guests come by. Hopefully a hot cup of coffee and bitter piss will shoo them back out the door.
But the moral of the post is: Don’t buy this shit. It will make your eyes water because that’s what happens when your taste buds get slathered with sewage.